first written november 7, 2009

i'm holding together
the pieces of a memory
i thought was intact.

i'm grasping at the sandy straws
that are falling through my fingers
and laughing at my failed attempts.

today is not a day i feel good about myself
maybe tomorrow? ... next week?
i don't know.

i'm not asking for God to forgive me
i know He already has
i just can't forgive myself.

i just need to go to bed
i just need to let it go
but it just keeps coming back to haunt me.

i don't like falling asleep
crying, hiding
and feeling all this.

i don't like words
they say too little
but they mean too much.

i don't like emotions
it's too confusing
it just... hurts.

i don't want to talk about it
i don't want to think about it
i wish it wasn't even true.

somebody please take all this away
all of these memories
all of this pain.

the nights i cry myself to sleep
are not good nights, but
they happen more than i like to admit.

ashamed
unreasonable
and just... sad.

i don't feel like a bad person
i feel like a good person who did badly
and that's the hardest part to get over.

and part of me will never let this go
but part of me is asking,
... can i just have a hug?

i haven't posted in a while...

and i am realizing that it's time to write again.

what do you do when you find out you've done something you thought you didn't? how do you react? how are you supposed to process something like that? i don't really know where to go with this, but i'm trying to figure something out so that i can at least... understand.

i don't know how to understand. it's 12:36 in the morning, and i can't sleep, i'm at a loss for emotions and words, i don't know if i'm hungry or not, and i'm just sad. i don't really want to talk about it right now, but i just wish i could change things in my past. i think everybody wishes that. and the hardest thing is that we can't go back, the hardest thing is that we can't fix what we broke beyond repair.

i wrote something earlier this week that i would like to share with you. here it is.

if God intended you to discover love in another person, He never would have given you the ability to love yourself.
if God intended you to have days where someone else feels good about you, He never would have given you the days where you feel good about yourself.
if God intended you to find who you are in another person, why would you not just be that person?
and if God had intended you to fit in with everyone, why would He give you a unique personality?
God only fully knows His own intent, but if we are to even try and understand why we are the way we are, or why we go through the things we go through, then we must use this sense of wonder and curiosity to fumble and guess.
these senses, which incidentally, God gave to us.

today is an interesting day

i don't know what it is about certain people, but the minute they enter the room, it's like all emotion and intuition is squished out of life. everything has to be logical, rational, sarcastic and "funny"; all the time. but i'm not like that, and i don't want to feel like that around anybody.

but i do.

so what do i do? this morning, i awoke from a really spiritual, amazing dream (don't ask for details, i can't tell you). and now, i feel silly about the dream, and like i can't talk about it. and i want to talk about it, but now... now, i just don't know. hrm.

luckily, i have lyrical dance tonight so YAY! i can release all these annoying emotions. i really wish my classes were longer than 45 minutes. :/ but at least they're there!

okay, bye.

i have the SMARTEST rabbit EVER (in the WORLD)

i am house-breaking mister rabbity.

last night, i cleaned out his cage, then set a litterbox containing kitty litter over the spot where he normally does his business. from what i've read about training a rabbit, you should put hay and bedding and blah blah blah in the box to "entice" them to poop there. (i don't know about you, but i don't need enticing to poop. ... uh... never mind.)

anyway, i put the litterbox in his cage, etc., etc., and the minute i put him back in his cage, hippity-hoppity, in he went! straight to his litterbox, did his business (haha), and hasn't used anything but his litterbox since.

so there! I HAVE THE SMARTEST RABBIT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!!! BWAHAHAHA! (seriously, it's freaking true.)

oh for crying out loud

you ever see a girl walking down the street in a super short dress which was obviously SUPPOSED to be intended as a shirt, or perhaps even washcloth? i have. i see them all the time, actually, which is rather sad. the saddest part about it is that it's practically impossible to find longer-than-your-knees dresses in stores these days.

usually when i see a girl walking down the street in such clothes (or lack thereof), i feel a strong inclination to walk up to her.

usually, i do not follow up on this strong inclination, because i know it will lead to the following:

me yelling, "FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN -

PUT ON SOME PANTS!

"

or asking her, "uh... did you know you forgot half your outfit today? you seem to be missing some vital items, like pants..."

both of which i am sure she would not take well.

and thus, i restrain myself.

but seriously, people! IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING, AT LEAST WEAR CLOTHING ALL OVER YOUR BODY! OTHERWISE WHAT IS THE POINT?!

thank you for reading. hehe.