first written november 7, 2009

i'm holding together
the pieces of a memory
i thought was intact.

i'm grasping at the sandy straws
that are falling through my fingers
and laughing at my failed attempts.

today is not a day i feel good about myself
maybe tomorrow? ... next week?
i don't know.

i'm not asking for God to forgive me
i know He already has
i just can't forgive myself.

i just need to go to bed
i just need to let it go
but it just keeps coming back to haunt me.

i don't like falling asleep
crying, hiding
and feeling all this.

i don't like words
they say too little
but they mean too much.

i don't like emotions
it's too confusing
it just... hurts.

i don't want to talk about it
i don't want to think about it
i wish it wasn't even true.

somebody please take all this away
all of these memories
all of this pain.

the nights i cry myself to sleep
are not good nights, but
they happen more than i like to admit.

ashamed
unreasonable
and just... sad.

i don't feel like a bad person
i feel like a good person who did badly
and that's the hardest part to get over.

and part of me will never let this go
but part of me is asking,
... can i just have a hug?