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i'm really sad. i'm really tired. i don't like life when it sucks beyond measure. i don't like life when it's boring. i don't like the way my life is most of the time. because most of the time it's boring and it sucks beyond measure.

i try to be good. i really do. i try to break old habits that aren't so great. honestly. i try not to feel lonely, even when i'm pretty damn sure nobody else is around who cares one whit. i'm sorry that i swear in some of my posts. i hope i don't offend anybody, or drive anyone away from being my friend or reading my blog. i just have reached the point where i'm not sure it's worth the effort to care about things anymore.

i'm not suicidal, for those of you that may be worried about that. nobody has to worry that anything like that will happen, or that i'll intentionally hurt myself. i just wish that i would stop getting hurt by other people, other circumstances. i don't know how much more i can take of this whole being single thing... i need someone i can just call at three in the morning because i can't sleep and i need someone to talk to. i need somebody i can go to at four in the morning and they'll hold me, and i won't feel like i'm being a baby or a burden. i can't do that with my family. it's not that we're not close or anything - i'm probably closer to my family than any other people on this planet. i just need something separate from that... something more than that.

it's not that i can't take being by myself - hell, i've been by myself for all my life. i've never been asked out, the one time i actually asked someone out, sure, we had lunch, but it was clear - based on the fact that they have a girlfriend - that it was just a between friends thing. i know i can put myself out there and not get hurt, but i'd like to feel like i don't need to put myself out there... like i've already put my heart out into the communal pot and someone right and good comes along and picks it up and looks at it from every single angle, maybe even (sorry if this sounds gross or anything) opens it up, does a little digging, but in the end decides what they've found fits them perfectly.

i want someone who sees me when i'm mad and says, "what a beautiful, caring person." - when i'm sad, "what a wonderful, joyful spirit." - when i'm tired, "look at her energy and personality shining through in everything she does." - even if it's not in those words, i want someone like that.

i want to be able to climb the roof of the tallest building in the world, raise my head and scream - "I MISS YOU!"

it's raining inside me... and outside me too. .... come and find me... please?