today is an interesting day

i don't know what it is about certain people, but the minute they enter the room, it's like all emotion and intuition is squished out of life. everything has to be logical, rational, sarcastic and "funny"; all the time. but i'm not like that, and i don't want to feel like that around anybody.

but i do.

so what do i do? this morning, i awoke from a really spiritual, amazing dream (don't ask for details, i can't tell you). and now, i feel silly about the dream, and like i can't talk about it. and i want to talk about it, but now... now, i just don't know. hrm.

luckily, i have lyrical dance tonight so YAY! i can release all these annoying emotions. i really wish my classes were longer than 45 minutes. :/ but at least they're there!

okay, bye.

so, it's been awhile

hey all.

not quite sure what to write, since it's been such a long time since i've written anything of actual substance, and i'm still not sure who out there even reads this blog or just disregards it as the occasional spot of some fun little thoughts.

as you can probably see, i've changed the layout of my blog once again; the pink was kind of getting on my nerves, and things were a little hard to see, and i really wanted to go with a layout that was a little more subdued and... tactful is the word i want to use. hm, interesting.

in any case, not quite sure what i should write (as i've said countless times before, including in this post), but i will say in closing that i have a pretty fantastic michael bublé song stuck in my head.

(cuando, cuando.)

100th post!!!

so, since this my 100th post (which i suppose is some kind of landmark or achievement or mile-marker or something like that), i figure it ought to be about something cool and awesome and exciiiiiiting.

what shall i write about, then? i asked myself. well. what else, except for the fact that.....


TODAY I WENT TO A GYMNASIUM! - yes, people, that's right. i went and did gymnastics for the first time in almost 7 years. W-O-W.

wooooooo hoo! so, there's this gymnasium near my house called "northfield gymnastics" that holds open gyms (meaning anybody can just pay 5$ and get in and go crazy - within reason, of course) on saturdays from 11 to 12. so, i dragged my ever-willing and wonderful and cooperative fiancé along with me (he's so sweet) and we went to play and have fun.

to be quite honest, i was really nervous about the whole thing 'cause i haven't set foot in a gym for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time (like i said, almost 7 years). but it was GREAT! i really felt like i'd never left - i was able to quite literally jump back into everything and just felt really at home and suddenly like i'd found myself again.

YESSSSSS.

so i was talking to one of the coaches at the gym and he mentioned that they also hold a wednesday night (TWO HOUR LONG!!) open gym that's only 5$ specifically deeesiiigned for COLLEGE STUDENTS! ROCK!

so i'll be doing that weekly, as well as i've applied for a coaching position at the gym - and we'll just see what happens with that, won't we!?!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i even did a front-flip.

time for change

i used to post very infrequently, mainly due to the fact that i can't always think of anything to post, but also due to the fact that i would leave up one post for a few days in the hopes of someone finding it and actually reading it and commenting on it. well, no more! i have now officially decided that i am going to post whenever i want to, no matter if i've posted already in the same day - and i've also decided that i don't care if people read my blog! if they want to, that's absolutely great, and i appreciate someone else taking the time to basically see what i've been up to, but if nobody wants to, then i am simply going to write to the world, whether or not the world wants to hear me!

okay? okay. glad we got that established.

(blank)

i'm really sad. i'm really tired. i don't like life when it sucks beyond measure. i don't like life when it's boring. i don't like the way my life is most of the time. because most of the time it's boring and it sucks beyond measure.

i try to be good. i really do. i try to break old habits that aren't so great. honestly. i try not to feel lonely, even when i'm pretty damn sure nobody else is around who cares one whit. i'm sorry that i swear in some of my posts. i hope i don't offend anybody, or drive anyone away from being my friend or reading my blog. i just have reached the point where i'm not sure it's worth the effort to care about things anymore.

i'm not suicidal, for those of you that may be worried about that. nobody has to worry that anything like that will happen, or that i'll intentionally hurt myself. i just wish that i would stop getting hurt by other people, other circumstances. i don't know how much more i can take of this whole being single thing... i need someone i can just call at three in the morning because i can't sleep and i need someone to talk to. i need somebody i can go to at four in the morning and they'll hold me, and i won't feel like i'm being a baby or a burden. i can't do that with my family. it's not that we're not close or anything - i'm probably closer to my family than any other people on this planet. i just need something separate from that... something more than that.

it's not that i can't take being by myself - hell, i've been by myself for all my life. i've never been asked out, the one time i actually asked someone out, sure, we had lunch, but it was clear - based on the fact that they have a girlfriend - that it was just a between friends thing. i know i can put myself out there and not get hurt, but i'd like to feel like i don't need to put myself out there... like i've already put my heart out into the communal pot and someone right and good comes along and picks it up and looks at it from every single angle, maybe even (sorry if this sounds gross or anything) opens it up, does a little digging, but in the end decides what they've found fits them perfectly.

i want someone who sees me when i'm mad and says, "what a beautiful, caring person." - when i'm sad, "what a wonderful, joyful spirit." - when i'm tired, "look at her energy and personality shining through in everything she does." - even if it's not in those words, i want someone like that.

i want to be able to climb the roof of the tallest building in the world, raise my head and scream - "I MISS YOU!"

it's raining inside me... and outside me too. .... come and find me... please?

i tend to post late at night

is it possible to grow to love someone? while simultaneously thinking they're icky? i wonder. part of me wonders, the other part of me knows. i like the part of me that knows. the part of me that wonders gets annoying after awhile, always guessing and wondering, and things like that.

and for another thing, life sucks.

thirdly, this is probably going to be a rather intense post.

and fourthly (huh, that's actually a word), i love ranting. well, i suppose i don't actually love it, as it's kind of tiring and more than often makes me ticked, but all in all, it's quite a nice stress reliever. it definitely helps to expel a lot of bottled up emotions.

and another thing! i HATE being told what to do. especially by people i don't like. it makes me very angry to have people that don't respect me or people who think they can get away with crap tell me what they think i should do (for them or otherwise), or how i should be. i also get reaaaaaaally annoyed when people who are younger than i am boss me around, or try and act like they're all important when they're NOT, and they get all smart-ass (sorry) on me and i just want to slap them silly because it's so annoying! and why does God make it so i have to interact with them?! GAH!

and for a sixth thing, I HATE IT! i haven't quite decided what it is yet, but whatever it is I HATE IT!

and seventh, i'm lonely. hug me?

why do i do that?

there are some days that i feel like i can't move forward, i just can't do it, no matter how hard i try. so my only options are to stay where i am or to go backwards. it would make more sense to stay where i am, because then when the day comes to move forward i don't have that much farther to go.

so why do i go back? when i'm bored i read through old emails and look at old blog posts, or read books i've read so many times before. i do things i've done already, things that could wait almost forever to be done again. so why do i do them?

right now, i don't know. all i do know is that it's not a regression kind of thing. going back is, in a sense, a way for me to see how far i've moved forward. maybe that's it. maybe it's not regression or regret, but instead it's progression and reassurance that things can move forward, furthering, bettering, fixing and changing things.

so maybe that's it. i'd like to think so. otherwise i just can't figure out why i'd do something like that... i'm not really much of a person for nostalgia or anything (not that i'm not, i just don't normally feel inclined to reminisce). maybe that's another reason - maybe i should reminisce a little bit... maybe i should learn to accept what's in my past as a "what's done is done" kind of thing. accept, but not attach myself to it. because what's the point in living in the past? i don't see any. so why do it?

ah well. suppose i'll never know. maybe though... if i look into the future... maybe then i'll find out. it's worth a try, right? what've i got to lose? nothing, really.

that's what i thought. :)

i'm not stupid, right?

sometimes i wonder if the things that i say are just inane. other times i think i have a pretty good grasp of the world around me. (warning: this post will get into some heavy rambling.) more often than not i like who i am, but half the time i always wonder if there's some other kind of person inside of me who i should be more like. like maybe there's this little demon in my brain bouncing around that's trying to get out and i won't let it. maybe there's a perfect being somewhere contained within this shell i call my physical body, but because i'm stuck in this physical body i can't let out the perfect being inside me because humans can't be perfect - whether we've realized that because of the messages from God or whether it just isn't in our biological make-up, we can't be perfect.

and i don't want to be perfect - what's the point of being perfect? i mean really - sure, you wouldn't make any mistakes, you probably wouldn't say or do the wrong thing at the exact wrong time... but how would we be? seriously think about this, how would we be? not just physically or physiologically or even emotionally/psychologically! i suppose a better question to ask would be what would we be?? if every single person in the world was perfect, don't you think life would be just a little bit boring? nobody would ever have any kind of quirks that make them unique - we'd just be "the land of the perfect people". and far be it from me to speak for anyone but myself, but methinks no one would ever want to live in "the land of the perfect people". boring, boring, boring.

and another thing - why are we never satisfied? i mean, even if we had everything we ever wanted, we got every question that we ever asked answered, would we be satisfied? no, of course not. and why is that? - well, we're human, that's why, and humans are typically never satisfied, because there's always something better, something brighter, something newer and shinier for them to want. it's just annoying, i tell you! *wink*

anyway, i think i should end this, and finally post it. after all, i've been working on this for... oh... a week now, i think. well, here goes! posting time! *click*

apologies

i would like to start this post with an apology to any and all readers i may have for not posting and/or reading blogs these past couple weeks, because ... well, i'll start at the beginning. (story time!) haha.

when i got a mac (*heart!*), one of my first things i did with it was go on the internet and set up bookmarks and my homepage and all that jazz. we have a secure wireless internet router in our house, so i was having a blast in any part of my house - my bedroom, kitchen, dining room, living room... mostly my bedroom, but that's beside the point.

so. the internet was fast, and awesome, and hurray for it all. then, after about a half a week went by, i noticed that my connection was slower in some areas of the house - mainly the family room. then after almost another week, *duh duh duhhhh* I noticed that my homepage (my blog, tee hee) was taking an unusually long time to load.

after about 20 minutes, i began to think it odd that the page hadn't loaded yet. 'oh well,' i thought, 'i'll just check my gmail.'

that page didn't load either. so then i figured, okay, well that's... fine? and decided to google something (i can't remember what - something about colleges).

and when THAT page didn't load i became a bit annoyed. heather made a suggestion that because everything related to google was down (the new blogger, google, gmail), it was simply something to do with the server.

so, i wondered, why didn't other pages load as quickly as they used to? and, about a week later, why was i still unable to access google, gmail and blogger?

the answer, ladies and gentlemen, is that the router we have is evil. evil evil evil.

the technical term for that is that our router is only compatible with pcs, and not macs, so we have to reconfigure our secure router so that it's also compatible with mine and katy's computers (though mainly with mine, as katy is in englalalalaland, where they have nice routers... though they probably call them something else).

next, i have apparently been tagged by feather to make a list of ten things i like about myself.

so i'm now going to do that (and don't worry - this will only be ten things, not twenty-two:

1) i like the fact that i can sing and play pretty much any instrument you put in front of me (just give me about five minutes).

2) i like my face (as odd as that sounds). i've gotten several compliments on various parts of my face, and thus have decided that altogether it's a rather nice face. so i like it.

3) (this is not meant to be in a bragging way) i like the fact that i am more mature than a lot of people my age - especially about my appearance and personality.

4) i like the fact that i can hold intellectually-stimulating conversations with people who are older than me, and that i actually know what i'm talking about in said conversations.

5) i like being able to pick up languages and accents, and i enjoy having the ability to hold conversations in three languages (english, russian, spanish). (on a side note, i also enjoy knowing at least one word in roughly 18 different idiomas.)

6) i like the fact that i have a post-college reading level, and could have taken college-level honors english at the age of fourteen.

7) i like the fact that i can make other people happy, make them laugh, that sort of thing.

8) i like that i have the ability to write music that connects with people and touches them.

9) i like being able to smile. a lot. every day. all the time. *grin*

aaaaand the big
10!!) i like me. in general. a lot. :p

voila! el list. :)
-me

opening old wounds (kind of)...

... the following is a post from several months ago that for some reason i was compelled to post up here (i posted it on my myspace blog previously, but no one really read that)... so here goes. :)

***

i feel a tad disgruntled at the moment, and i'm not completely sure why. i think it may be that, while reading through old blog posts of mine, i realized that i actually was able to come up with semi-valuable pieces of insight, but right now i kind of feel as if wisdom and intelligence are beyond my reach - almost as if i am stretching on one side of a canyon, to try and grasp the vine snaking out of the ridge's bank, but every time i try and grab hold it slips gently from the tips of my fingers and i must try again.

almost as if it is mocking me, the branch lengthens a few inches, then quickly recedes as i lunge to pull it to my chest and hold it so that it cannot escape - but i am too late again and again, everything i do is in vain. no amount of jumping and lunging can put me in reach of this branch i so desperately desire to cling to. the branch shakes at its very roots: laughing at me, taunting me saying 'come, try again, fail again, it is inevitable, there is no victory, there is no hope. come, try, fail.'  again and again i search relentlessly for a way to wrap my hands over this branch, this malicious vine that plagues my soul, this unforgiving weed that snakes about, vindictively unrelenting, laughing horribly at my every attempt to go forward.

finally, i accept defeat. i stand, bowed in frustration and utter discomfiture, awaiting yet another derisive attack from the vine i tried so hard to placate, the vine i so repeatedly tried to clasp to myself - my one salvation, i think in my misguided and despondent mind. if only i had been able to grab onto that branch; perhaps i would not feel such a sorrow as i feel now. perhaps i would be able to hold my head high and proud, and announce to the world that yes! i do matter! yes! i do have a voice and a place in this world! and no! i will not allow any soul to deprive me of my place!

but, i think, perhaps i do not need the branch for that. perhaps the branch is simply - an obstacle i must overcome.

with this realization dawning, my spirit lifts, my eyes raise back and focus on that implacable and callous branch. bitter memories of my delusory attempts to grasp what i realize now is only an illusion flood through my mind. gazing to my left i see a sturdy, faithful bridge laid over the rocky canyon. why had i not seen it before? there it is, in plain sight! but no, i had focused too entirely on the branch that juts out of the ridge in front of my face. had i thought clearly, surely i would have seen that this vine is too feeble to hold my weight! i look down, and see the remains of other such fools as i who managed to clamp their hands on the branch only to realize how unstable and slim it was. why did i not just take the bridge, why did i not stand and walk to it - over it?

because that would have been too easy. i realize now that that path was pressed out of my mind instantly - why take the easy route when there is another to be had, especially if the other route is adventurous, and tests my limits and my courage! because the easy route is easy. who in this world does not want to be tested, at least in some small way? who in this world does not want to feel that accomplishment after succeeding where others have failed? now i see that i have succeeded. in not taking hold of the branch, i succeed where the many laying in the belly of the rocky canyon did not.

i stand and turn to the bridge; this is my salvation. this bridge will take me where i need to go. had i grabbed that vine and somehow made it to the other side, i would only have ended up in a thick forest, surrounded by unfamiliar trees and thickets. i would not have known where to go, what to do. but with this bridge, i follow the path. when it is supposed to, it will branch out in the directions i need it to, but not before. and perhaps i will still adventure, perhaps i will still go down paths i had not gone down before - for who in this world does not like to explore the unknown?

but, who in this world wants to get lost? who in this world feels the need to traverse such a long way from the path that they lose both their way and their own selves? i do not choose such a life. no, that way is foolishness. and by not following others' foolishness, i again succeed where they do not.

and i hold my head high and say yes! i can overcome what is not easy to overcome. yes! i will triumph when all hope is lost. no! i will not allow anything to stand in my way. yes! i will live! yes! i will triumph! yes! i will hope! yes! yes! yes!

so perhaps now i am not so disgruntled after all...

so this is it, huh?

well hello. this is my first post on my first real blog. it should be exciting, so why isn't it? perhaps it is because i have posted so many times on an old livejournal that was read only by my two sisters (and not that frequently, for why should they read something when they can go directly to speak with the source?), and then later on my blog on myspace, which was really only read by my two sisters, my cousin, and perhaps one other person (occasionally).

so this is my first real blog. and i suppose another reason it isn't very exciting is because i really have nothing to write about. usually i don't have things to write about when i first sit down to post, but i can't think of anything this time. maybe it's because i've been working on-and-off on this post for the past few days... maybe it's because at the moment i'm not meant to write anything incredibly profound or anything... maybe it's just not the right time.

the only problem is that i really want to write something! perhaps i will describe my surroundings... no that's boring. maybe i should just end this post. but i want to write something! i think that's one of my personal issues that i have to work out - half of me rationalizes that there's no point in simply blabbing on and on and on about things that aren't relevant or that make no sense, but then the other side of me bangs my proverbial forehead with my proverbial hand and says, 'it doesn't matter! this is your creative outlet, and you need to exercise your mind every once in awhile, otherwise it will decaaaayyy...'

and that shuts my rational side up. but then it just happens again and again. i mean, i'm sure it happens to a lot of people, but it's one of those things you feel like it only a problem you have, that sort of thing.

oh! i just thought of something that i've been meaning to blog about for awhile, so maybe i'll put it in a separate post so that these don't get too long and tedious. yes, i think i'll do that. so for now, i will sign off, but hopefully i will post something that's a bit more meaningful...

hopefully.