i haven't posted in a while...

and i am realizing that it's time to write again.

what do you do when you find out you've done something you thought you didn't? how do you react? how are you supposed to process something like that? i don't really know where to go with this, but i'm trying to figure something out so that i can at least... understand.

i don't know how to understand. it's 12:36 in the morning, and i can't sleep, i'm at a loss for emotions and words, i don't know if i'm hungry or not, and i'm just sad. i don't really want to talk about it right now, but i just wish i could change things in my past. i think everybody wishes that. and the hardest thing is that we can't go back, the hardest thing is that we can't fix what we broke beyond repair.

i wrote something earlier this week that i would like to share with you. here it is.

if God intended you to discover love in another person, He never would have given you the ability to love yourself.
if God intended you to have days where someone else feels good about you, He never would have given you the days where you feel good about yourself.
if God intended you to find who you are in another person, why would you not just be that person?
and if God had intended you to fit in with everyone, why would He give you a unique personality?
God only fully knows His own intent, but if we are to even try and understand why we are the way we are, or why we go through the things we go through, then we must use this sense of wonder and curiosity to fumble and guess.
these senses, which incidentally, God gave to us.

today is an interesting day

i don't know what it is about certain people, but the minute they enter the room, it's like all emotion and intuition is squished out of life. everything has to be logical, rational, sarcastic and "funny"; all the time. but i'm not like that, and i don't want to feel like that around anybody.

but i do.

so what do i do? this morning, i awoke from a really spiritual, amazing dream (don't ask for details, i can't tell you). and now, i feel silly about the dream, and like i can't talk about it. and i want to talk about it, but now... now, i just don't know. hrm.

luckily, i have lyrical dance tonight so YAY! i can release all these annoying emotions. i really wish my classes were longer than 45 minutes. :/ but at least they're there!

okay, bye.

i have the SMARTEST rabbit EVER (in the WORLD)

i am house-breaking mister rabbity.

last night, i cleaned out his cage, then set a litterbox containing kitty litter over the spot where he normally does his business. from what i've read about training a rabbit, you should put hay and bedding and blah blah blah in the box to "entice" them to poop there. (i don't know about you, but i don't need enticing to poop. ... uh... never mind.)

anyway, i put the litterbox in his cage, etc., etc., and the minute i put him back in his cage, hippity-hoppity, in he went! straight to his litterbox, did his business (haha), and hasn't used anything but his litterbox since.

so there! I HAVE THE SMARTEST RABBIT IN THE WHOLE WIDE WORLD!!!!! BWAHAHAHA! (seriously, it's freaking true.)

oh for crying out loud

you ever see a girl walking down the street in a super short dress which was obviously SUPPOSED to be intended as a shirt, or perhaps even washcloth? i have. i see them all the time, actually, which is rather sad. the saddest part about it is that it's practically impossible to find longer-than-your-knees dresses in stores these days.

usually when i see a girl walking down the street in such clothes (or lack thereof), i feel a strong inclination to walk up to her.

usually, i do not follow up on this strong inclination, because i know it will lead to the following:

me yelling, "FOR THE SAKE OF THE CHILDREN -

PUT ON SOME PANTS!

"

or asking her, "uh... did you know you forgot half your outfit today? you seem to be missing some vital items, like pants..."

both of which i am sure she would not take well.

and thus, i restrain myself.

but seriously, people! IF YOU'RE GOING TO GET DRESSED IN THE MORNING, AT LEAST WEAR CLOTHING ALL OVER YOUR BODY! OTHERWISE WHAT IS THE POINT?!

thank you for reading. hehe.

top 5 things my bunny likes to do (4)

1. make messes!
2. puuuuuush out with his front feet & shove whatever's in front of him
3. flop down on his tummy
4. listen to andy playing guitar while flopping down on his tummy
5. kiss me!!!! :D

overall, he is quite the happy baby bunny. and his birthday was recently!! he's officially two years old now! YAAAAAY FOR HAPPY BABY HAGRID BIRTHDAY BUNNY!

'kaybye. ^_^

top 5 things my bunny likes to do (3)

1. chew holes in peoples' clothing... hehe (SORRY heather!!!)
2. ride in the car
3. sit on my lap, while riding in the car
4. sniff cellphones
5. scrunch his nose up in denial when offered carrots (again, hehe, sorry heather)

top 5 things my bunny likes to do (2)

i've decided to make the top 5 things about my bunny into a weekly (ish) thing that i post about sir rabbity.

thus!

1. lick me on the nose
2. SNUGGLE!! (he's been really attached to me lately, it's quite endearing)
3. discover new ways to try and flip his food bowl around
4. dig dens in my down comforter
5. stand up on his hind legs and sniff the top of his cage

(and he still likes to perch on my shoulder, as evidenced by the photo below)

january 20, 2009

author's note: i don't smoke, nor do i encourage smoking. i'm just using metaphors.

˙˙˙

the cold seeps into my veins
like cyanide into the air
a cigarette's ashes are scattered
upon the dusty shore of a lake lined with sand
is there no God to take my hand?

i ask only for forgiveness
retribution from all that i've done
is there no person who will understand
i don't know all the answers

i'm just a person
i'm just a figure, struggling to find her way
into the glass cabinet of treasures
that way God will keep me close, right?
right?

top 5 things my bunny likes to do

1. perch on my right shoulder
2. throw his water bowl around
3. listen to jack johnson
4. nibble on my fingers (and other things)
5. chatter to himself little secret rabbity things

BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY BUNNY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i bought a little bunny rabbit yesterday - he's about a year old, and is a spunky little netherland dwarf rabbit that i have named rubeus hagrid. and guess what else??

HE LOVES TO CUDDLE!!!!!!! seriously, he's my ideal bunny.

for those of you who have facebook, i've got an entire album now devoted to him, as well as a video... but i'll still throw up some pictures here for enticement's sake. ;)

in a bind

so here i find myself
hanging on a precipice
waiting on a windowsill
standing on a ledge.

you're about to tell me
all the things you struggle with
i don't want to hear that
because you try and put it on my shoulders.

get over yourself already
learn to take your own advice
i'm not going to keep giving it to you
because i hate babying you.

you don't deserve my help right now
so i'm going to give you my help right now
but i'm kind of in a bind right now
and i'm really starting to hate you.

i really don't want to hate you
but my heart isn't giving me a choice
because you're pushing me this far
and not giving me a goddamn break.

so here is where i find myself
standing on the edge of a building
trying to jump away from you
but you won't let me fall.

i want you to stop trying to catch me
i know that i'll land on my own feet
stop pulling me back to keep me there
it only makes it hurt more.

stop trying to hurt me
i know you're not doing it on purpose
but you need to grow up
and get your own life.

so, it's been awhile

hey all.

not quite sure what to write, since it's been such a long time since i've written anything of actual substance, and i'm still not sure who out there even reads this blog or just disregards it as the occasional spot of some fun little thoughts.

as you can probably see, i've changed the layout of my blog once again; the pink was kind of getting on my nerves, and things were a little hard to see, and i really wanted to go with a layout that was a little more subdued and... tactful is the word i want to use. hm, interesting.

in any case, not quite sure what i should write (as i've said countless times before, including in this post), but i will say in closing that i have a pretty fantastic michael bublé song stuck in my head.

(cuando, cuando.)

anyone got any ideas?

hey hey!

i'm looking for places to perform!

hit me up, let me know!

thanks :)

100th post!!!

so, since this my 100th post (which i suppose is some kind of landmark or achievement or mile-marker or something like that), i figure it ought to be about something cool and awesome and exciiiiiiting.

what shall i write about, then? i asked myself. well. what else, except for the fact that.....


TODAY I WENT TO A GYMNASIUM! - yes, people, that's right. i went and did gymnastics for the first time in almost 7 years. W-O-W.

wooooooo hoo! so, there's this gymnasium near my house called "northfield gymnastics" that holds open gyms (meaning anybody can just pay 5$ and get in and go crazy - within reason, of course) on saturdays from 11 to 12. so, i dragged my ever-willing and wonderful and cooperative fiancé along with me (he's so sweet) and we went to play and have fun.

to be quite honest, i was really nervous about the whole thing 'cause i haven't set foot in a gym for a verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry long time (like i said, almost 7 years). but it was GREAT! i really felt like i'd never left - i was able to quite literally jump back into everything and just felt really at home and suddenly like i'd found myself again.

YESSSSSS.

so i was talking to one of the coaches at the gym and he mentioned that they also hold a wednesday night (TWO HOUR LONG!!) open gym that's only 5$ specifically deeesiiigned for COLLEGE STUDENTS! ROCK!

so i'll be doing that weekly, as well as i've applied for a coaching position at the gym - and we'll just see what happens with that, won't we!?!

I'M SO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i even did a front-flip.

3:43 and i've nothing to believe in

it's hard, this whole "being on your own" thing. it's beautiful, it's liberating, it's fantastic and freeing. but it can get to be tough, especially when you've no close friends right in the area, little to no money for gas (and the prices keep rising), and no job or things to do.

but don't worry - i'm in a very happy place, and after the weekend is over, i shall resume the job hunt extravaganza, and i will be better off for it.

plus there's the promise of monday - at which point i shall trot myself over to the public library and get myself a library card!! yay! (just what i need, hahaha, more books!)

at any rate, i think i'm going to go do some more knitting. ^_^

ta ta, friends!

so, it is official

i move up to the lovely land of minnesota..... today! and this weekend. (in fact, i leave in just a few hours.) it's rather sudden, but all the same, it's been a long time coming, and as bittersweet as it is to leave behind a home i've shared with my family for the past 6 or so years, i'm excited about actually being able to see friends and some extended family (on my fiancé's side), and to actually have opportunities to be engaged in working to serve the Faith and join in Bahá'í activities.

it was very interesting when i woke up this morning and was getting dressed... there was a phoebe-bird outside my window, twittering away its familiar, forlorn call "phoe-be!...phoe-be!" and i thought to myself, that bird kind of represents this day - it's the middle of winter, but there's a bird calling, oblivious to the weather and bad roads and the sadness a lot of people face because of the time of year. and this day, i'm moving up to minnesota, regardless of the change in climate and weather, and the sadness a lot of people are facing (including myself) because of the fact that i'll be over 400 miles away. but, like the bird, i keep on; it doesn't matter if it gets -10˚F up there or -40˚F; and the bird doesn't care if no one hears its call - it keeps on singing, even if it's alone.

i'm going to be like that bird.

happy new years everybody.