Being a Writer

Within the last few years, it has come to my own attention that, first and foremost, I am a writer.

As much as I love creating music to share with people, and as much as I enjoy sharing said music with the aforementioned masses, it is even more important to me that the words bound to the music make sense and resonate with people. So, whether I continue in music or not, I will always and forever continue writing; why? Because it's what I am.

At this point, I don't really have much else to say. Just wanted to come dash off a quick post and get that out there :)

first written november 7, 2009

i'm holding together
the pieces of a memory
i thought was intact.

i'm grasping at the sandy straws
that are falling through my fingers
and laughing at my failed attempts.

today is not a day i feel good about myself
maybe tomorrow? ... next week?
i don't know.

i'm not asking for God to forgive me
i know He already has
i just can't forgive myself.

i just need to go to bed
i just need to let it go
but it just keeps coming back to haunt me.

i don't like falling asleep
crying, hiding
and feeling all this.

i don't like words
they say too little
but they mean too much.

i don't like emotions
it's too confusing
it just... hurts.

i don't want to talk about it
i don't want to think about it
i wish it wasn't even true.

somebody please take all this away
all of these memories
all of this pain.

the nights i cry myself to sleep
are not good nights, but
they happen more than i like to admit.

ashamed
unreasonable
and just... sad.

i don't feel like a bad person
i feel like a good person who did badly
and that's the hardest part to get over.

and part of me will never let this go
but part of me is asking,
... can i just have a hug?

i haven't posted in a while...

and i am realizing that it's time to write again.

what do you do when you find out you've done something you thought you didn't? how do you react? how are you supposed to process something like that? i don't really know where to go with this, but i'm trying to figure something out so that i can at least... understand.

i don't know how to understand. it's 12:36 in the morning, and i can't sleep, i'm at a loss for emotions and words, i don't know if i'm hungry or not, and i'm just sad. i don't really want to talk about it right now, but i just wish i could change things in my past. i think everybody wishes that. and the hardest thing is that we can't go back, the hardest thing is that we can't fix what we broke beyond repair.

i wrote something earlier this week that i would like to share with you. here it is.

if God intended you to discover love in another person, He never would have given you the ability to love yourself.
if God intended you to have days where someone else feels good about you, He never would have given you the days where you feel good about yourself.
if God intended you to find who you are in another person, why would you not just be that person?
and if God had intended you to fit in with everyone, why would He give you a unique personality?
God only fully knows His own intent, but if we are to even try and understand why we are the way we are, or why we go through the things we go through, then we must use this sense of wonder and curiosity to fumble and guess.
these senses, which incidentally, God gave to us.

january 20, 2009

author's note: i don't smoke, nor do i encourage smoking. i'm just using metaphors.

˙˙˙

the cold seeps into my veins
like cyanide into the air
a cigarette's ashes are scattered
upon the dusty shore of a lake lined with sand
is there no God to take my hand?

i ask only for forgiveness
retribution from all that i've done
is there no person who will understand
i don't know all the answers

i'm just a person
i'm just a figure, struggling to find her way
into the glass cabinet of treasures
that way God will keep me close, right?
right?

in a bind

so here i find myself
hanging on a precipice
waiting on a windowsill
standing on a ledge.

you're about to tell me
all the things you struggle with
i don't want to hear that
because you try and put it on my shoulders.

get over yourself already
learn to take your own advice
i'm not going to keep giving it to you
because i hate babying you.

you don't deserve my help right now
so i'm going to give you my help right now
but i'm kind of in a bind right now
and i'm really starting to hate you.

i really don't want to hate you
but my heart isn't giving me a choice
because you're pushing me this far
and not giving me a goddamn break.

so here is where i find myself
standing on the edge of a building
trying to jump away from you
but you won't let me fall.

i want you to stop trying to catch me
i know that i'll land on my own feet
stop pulling me back to keep me there
it only makes it hurt more.

stop trying to hurt me
i know you're not doing it on purpose
but you need to grow up
and get your own life.

"expression"

poetry as a last resort
crying as a first choice
crying seems to be the theme of today
an interesting jumble of sad and happy
a last ditch effort to calm my mind
myself, my body and soul are dissatisfied
there is a way out, and it's you
but you are too far away to hold
and i'm not holding on to anything else
so i fall
down
down again, and
down
into misery and heartsickness
and i break, almost shatter
but i'll get up if you ask
i can make another stand
if it means i'll get to see you again
even though i'd rather be done with it all
and just let my life end, here and now!
but i'll stick around, if only for you
if only for the music in your soul
the light in your eyes
i won't leave you behind
i won't go alone, 'cause i love you
i love you

***


(i'm not sure why i continually underlined 'you' -- it just felt right.)

"dear love" - a poem

dear love,
here's what i look like today:
sad eyes, broken smile
and my heart still beats in my chest
but i left it behind
not on purpose, it's just how life is
you know how i get
when i have to leave you
i wish we'd had one more day
at least, a real chance to say good-bye
i guess we just have to go through it
however hard it may be
however hard it is
you know, i love you more than my life
dear love,
here's what i feel like today:
cold inside, and rainy
shaky like a leaf on a thunderstorm's breeze
like the trees are falling as i climb them
and i can't get up again
life's too tough again
i have no appetite, but i keep eating
like it's my job to make myself sick
like if i'm sick it means something
that you have to come see me
dear love,
why is the sun shining?
it's not fair today
please go away, giant ball of burning gas
or whatever you are
damn you, happiness
just give me a minute
i'll work myself back to you
i guess... maybe
dear love,
you know, i love you more than my life
but today i miss you more than ever
love, anna

will and won't

i will try to help you
i will try to keep you happy
i will try to let you go
when you want to go

i won't let you feel alone
i won't let you be sad that much
i won't let you feel like there's nobody
who cares about you

i will try to make you laugh
i will try to wipe your tears
i will try to let things happen
that will help you be strong

i won't let you not be creative
i won't let you not express yourself
i won't let you pretend
you're someone else

i will try to be there for you
i won't let your heart be broken
i will stay as your best friend forever
i won't not love you


for katy

what is it?

it's
important, amazing, vital, incredible, taxing, exhausting, wonderful, confusing, terrifying, unconditional.

it's
fabulous, terrible, fantastic, loving, fighting, and worth fighting for.

it's
screaming, crying, laughing, living, and finding new ways to communicate.

it's
struggling, soaring, digging, working, and discovering cooperation.

it's
consulting, arguing, yelling, whispering, learning and asking questions.

it's
family.

home

home
what is home?
where you hang your hat
where the heart is
but you can hang your hat anywhere
and your heart is in your chest
so home is...
the world?
but the world is not a safe place
at least, not always for me
then, home is...
i don't know where it is.
:(

again

out of the blue came the sound of my tears
falling down and you saw them but said not a word
out of the rain comes the rainbow of shame
but the clouds in the sky will not cry for me

something i lost can't be regained
the words taken back can't be spoken again
somehow i trusted the wrong kind of friend
a friend that won't come around again
but once more i'm proven wrong
because here you come
again

out of the ashes rises the phoenix
who tells you a lie but doesn't really mean it
out of the silence comes the sound of death
reaching out, part of me comes to grip with it

something i've treasured is stolen away
the words they yell are things people say
somehow i kept the wrong company
the company i won't let in again
but once more i'm proven wrong
because here they come
again

out of the embers comes the glow
something that tells you what you don't know
out of the flames turning to gold
comes the fiery dawn, leaning to the morn

something i've said can't be heard
the words i've written are starting to blur
somehow i got the wrong idea
an idea i won't think again
but i won't be proven wrong
because it won't come
again

dear journal

broken trust
you expect respect?
like a little pool of blood at my feet
i'm not to be touched
don't bother me right now
i don't want to be disturbed
i'm busy being angry at you
why don't you believe me?
i told you at least four times
even after you'd left
this sucks, damn it
i feel like i want to scream
i want to cry
i'm losing something
my mind?
my dignity
the words come faster than the pen can handle
you can't handle it
the pressure of knowing me
of thinking you do anyway
but you don't know me
or you would have believed me
when i told you the first time
damn

boo!

happy happy halloween!
this post is short, for it's in between
sitting right here and being 'bout to leave
so happy happy halloween!!
ghouls and goblins haunt the streets
scaring kiddies out for treats
a night like this just can't be beat
so happy happy halloween!
this is a night of fun and frolic
so all you kids go forth, be jolly!
run 'round madly get candy and lollies
happy happy halloween!
i can't eat candy, it makes me sick
but hand o'er your sucker, i'll take a lick
one little bite won't make a dif'rence
oh happy happy halloween!
carve your pumpkins, have your fun
now all hallows eve is done!
hope your time was a good one
so happy happy halloween!!

*the end*

heartspoken

*warning: this poem may be offensive in some parts to those having aversions to things of semi-graphic nature. just thought i'd put that out there for the unsuspecting.*

heartspoken
not broken
a token of my affection
some people
just aren't
worth the time of day
it's a sad
realization
but one you've got to make
guess he's not
the one
i've been looking for
can't be
or he'd be
reliable
pick up the phone!
darn you
can't you see
it's me that's crying?
bored alone
despondent
well forget it!
i'm not waiting
anymore
i'm not going
to sit in the corner
like a good girl
and watch
as you run away
from me
who told you that's okay?
what makes you think it's all right
to leave and not say good bye?
you don't have that right
to treat me like that
no one does
say that again
i'll slap you
i'll do it
i mean it
i'm not kidding
once upon a time
i was young
and innocent
thanks so much
for taking all that away
robber
thief
you don't understand, do you?
i can't say these things
to your face
for your face
would be bloody
like your hands
after you ripped out my heart
well that's your problem
your fault
i'm not saving your sorry butt anymore
pick your own self up off the floor
i won't do your dirty work
you want to shirk it, fine by me
i'm not about to pick up
after you
that's crap
and i won't do it
so forget it
forget us
forget me

in like

infatuation--
love? no.
step back, detach, rewind
look forward, to the sides
infatuation--
love? think.
love: unconditional
not: unresponsive.
love: incredible
not: irresponsible.
look at the moment
who else is in it?
mutual attraction?
mutual distractions?
infatuation
love? like.

moonshadow

moonlight
glassy
orange
full darkness
sky-black
evening dusk
where is the light?
callous
hidden
shrouded mystery
waken
dormant
sleeping eyes
faces
open
drinking in the day
hopeful
waking
lost without a friend
despairing
tired
cannot carry on
dawning
realization
helps the weak be strong
waken
dormant
sleeping eyes
faces
open
drinking in the day
healing
yellow
shadows of the moon
sunlight
sandstorm
coming all soon
moonshadow
sun rays
fullshine
dark days
waken
dormant
sleeping eyes
faces
open
welcoming demise
unsure
uncertain
crying out for aid
no one
will help them
dark clouds cover day
somber
passions
rising through the sky
teardrops
falling
like rain through misty nights
i am
a soldier
lost without my King
i am
a fighter
flying with no wings
i will not
remain here
in God's domain for long
no one
will aid me
i cannot
help
but fall
waken
dormant
sleeping eyes
faces
open
sifting truth from lies
helpless
weakened
i will carry on
i am
a sunrise
i will be
the dawn

waken
dormant
sleeping eyes
faces
open
i begin to cry

help

i'm staring at the darkened window
waiting
wishing
hoping
wondering
my face reflected in the glass
my own sad eyes staring back at me
can i really be this dense sometimes?
yes
i can
it's often
what seems to be my lot in life
how ironic
that the night that shuts me in
is what seems to give me hope
for a brighter
new dawn
can i hope to change tomorrow?
can it be done
so easily?
so little effort?
like a picture
painting a thousand words
i will give you my words
as words
pictures are not
enough
for me
i need more
something
anything
everything
always more
more? am i so greedy
that i want so much
more?
should i want?
be satisfied?
dissatisfied?
am i happy?
wet
tears reflect back
in the window
something
anything
everything
i am alone

disconnect

sometimes i wonder
am i supposed to be like this?
should i be viewed as an outcast?
or is that someone else's problem
that they have to deal with?

sometimes i'm curious
is life meant to be so hard?
is it meant to be boring at times?
or is this a place i fail to see
that the problem lies with me?

people feel insecure
people feel afraid
people are made every day
to feel like they're just slipping away
people can't believe their eyes
when they see someone else realize
that life is all about decisions
the decisions of whether you live or die
because the brave ones keep on living
while the other ones just hide

sometimes i wonder
are the choices i make right?
am i going down the correct path
or getting further from the light?

some things make me curious
can i actually understand
the things going on in my head?
or is the question of my insanity
coming up again?

lost, alone, dependent
afraid, creeped out, i've landed
on a desert isle left just to me
no one else in sight to see
can't grab hold of the anchor
slipping my way off the sand
can't find a place to keep from sinking
can't find a single helping hand

sometimes i wonder
am i really alive?
am i a good person
or bad inside?
am i destined for good
or destined for evil?

these are the questions
i ask for myself
these are the answers
i wish i knew

and sometimes i wonder
i'm curious to see
am i turning out like you?
or am i still me?