i haven't posted in a while...

and i am realizing that it's time to write again.

what do you do when you find out you've done something you thought you didn't? how do you react? how are you supposed to process something like that? i don't really know where to go with this, but i'm trying to figure something out so that i can at least... understand.

i don't know how to understand. it's 12:36 in the morning, and i can't sleep, i'm at a loss for emotions and words, i don't know if i'm hungry or not, and i'm just sad. i don't really want to talk about it right now, but i just wish i could change things in my past. i think everybody wishes that. and the hardest thing is that we can't go back, the hardest thing is that we can't fix what we broke beyond repair.

i wrote something earlier this week that i would like to share with you. here it is.

if God intended you to discover love in another person, He never would have given you the ability to love yourself.
if God intended you to have days where someone else feels good about you, He never would have given you the days where you feel good about yourself.
if God intended you to find who you are in another person, why would you not just be that person?
and if God had intended you to fit in with everyone, why would He give you a unique personality?
God only fully knows His own intent, but if we are to even try and understand why we are the way we are, or why we go through the things we go through, then we must use this sense of wonder and curiosity to fumble and guess.
these senses, which incidentally, God gave to us.