opening old wounds (kind of)...

... the following is a post from several months ago that for some reason i was compelled to post up here (i posted it on my myspace blog previously, but no one really read that)... so here goes. :)

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i feel a tad disgruntled at the moment, and i'm not completely sure why. i think it may be that, while reading through old blog posts of mine, i realized that i actually was able to come up with semi-valuable pieces of insight, but right now i kind of feel as if wisdom and intelligence are beyond my reach - almost as if i am stretching on one side of a canyon, to try and grasp the vine snaking out of the ridge's bank, but every time i try and grab hold it slips gently from the tips of my fingers and i must try again.

almost as if it is mocking me, the branch lengthens a few inches, then quickly recedes as i lunge to pull it to my chest and hold it so that it cannot escape - but i am too late again and again, everything i do is in vain. no amount of jumping and lunging can put me in reach of this branch i so desperately desire to cling to. the branch shakes at its very roots: laughing at me, taunting me saying 'come, try again, fail again, it is inevitable, there is no victory, there is no hope. come, try, fail.'  again and again i search relentlessly for a way to wrap my hands over this branch, this malicious vine that plagues my soul, this unforgiving weed that snakes about, vindictively unrelenting, laughing horribly at my every attempt to go forward.

finally, i accept defeat. i stand, bowed in frustration and utter discomfiture, awaiting yet another derisive attack from the vine i tried so hard to placate, the vine i so repeatedly tried to clasp to myself - my one salvation, i think in my misguided and despondent mind. if only i had been able to grab onto that branch; perhaps i would not feel such a sorrow as i feel now. perhaps i would be able to hold my head high and proud, and announce to the world that yes! i do matter! yes! i do have a voice and a place in this world! and no! i will not allow any soul to deprive me of my place!

but, i think, perhaps i do not need the branch for that. perhaps the branch is simply - an obstacle i must overcome.

with this realization dawning, my spirit lifts, my eyes raise back and focus on that implacable and callous branch. bitter memories of my delusory attempts to grasp what i realize now is only an illusion flood through my mind. gazing to my left i see a sturdy, faithful bridge laid over the rocky canyon. why had i not seen it before? there it is, in plain sight! but no, i had focused too entirely on the branch that juts out of the ridge in front of my face. had i thought clearly, surely i would have seen that this vine is too feeble to hold my weight! i look down, and see the remains of other such fools as i who managed to clamp their hands on the branch only to realize how unstable and slim it was. why did i not just take the bridge, why did i not stand and walk to it - over it?

because that would have been too easy. i realize now that that path was pressed out of my mind instantly - why take the easy route when there is another to be had, especially if the other route is adventurous, and tests my limits and my courage! because the easy route is easy. who in this world does not want to be tested, at least in some small way? who in this world does not want to feel that accomplishment after succeeding where others have failed? now i see that i have succeeded. in not taking hold of the branch, i succeed where the many laying in the belly of the rocky canyon did not.

i stand and turn to the bridge; this is my salvation. this bridge will take me where i need to go. had i grabbed that vine and somehow made it to the other side, i would only have ended up in a thick forest, surrounded by unfamiliar trees and thickets. i would not have known where to go, what to do. but with this bridge, i follow the path. when it is supposed to, it will branch out in the directions i need it to, but not before. and perhaps i will still adventure, perhaps i will still go down paths i had not gone down before - for who in this world does not like to explore the unknown?

but, who in this world wants to get lost? who in this world feels the need to traverse such a long way from the path that they lose both their way and their own selves? i do not choose such a life. no, that way is foolishness. and by not following others' foolishness, i again succeed where they do not.

and i hold my head high and say yes! i can overcome what is not easy to overcome. yes! i will triumph when all hope is lost. no! i will not allow anything to stand in my way. yes! i will live! yes! i will triumph! yes! i will hope! yes! yes! yes!

so perhaps now i am not so disgruntled after all...