"expression"

poetry as a last resort
crying as a first choice
crying seems to be the theme of today
an interesting jumble of sad and happy
a last ditch effort to calm my mind
myself, my body and soul are dissatisfied
there is a way out, and it's you
but you are too far away to hold
and i'm not holding on to anything else
so i fall
down
down again, and
down
into misery and heartsickness
and i break, almost shatter
but i'll get up if you ask
i can make another stand
if it means i'll get to see you again
even though i'd rather be done with it all
and just let my life end, here and now!
but i'll stick around, if only for you
if only for the music in your soul
the light in your eyes
i won't leave you behind
i won't go alone, 'cause i love you
i love you

***


(i'm not sure why i continually underlined 'you' -- it just felt right.)

"dear love" - a poem

dear love,
here's what i look like today:
sad eyes, broken smile
and my heart still beats in my chest
but i left it behind
not on purpose, it's just how life is
you know how i get
when i have to leave you
i wish we'd had one more day
at least, a real chance to say good-bye
i guess we just have to go through it
however hard it may be
however hard it is
you know, i love you more than my life
dear love,
here's what i feel like today:
cold inside, and rainy
shaky like a leaf on a thunderstorm's breeze
like the trees are falling as i climb them
and i can't get up again
life's too tough again
i have no appetite, but i keep eating
like it's my job to make myself sick
like if i'm sick it means something
that you have to come see me
dear love,
why is the sun shining?
it's not fair today
please go away, giant ball of burning gas
or whatever you are
damn you, happiness
just give me a minute
i'll work myself back to you
i guess... maybe
dear love,
you know, i love you more than my life
but today i miss you more than ever
love, anna

updates!!

so, here are some updates on my life:

playing at the republican national convention!!
--->september 1st @ 3-4 PM and 5-6 PM
---> september 4th @ 2-3 PM and 4-5 PM

also, i've been accepted to mcnally smith college of music!!! ahhhhh!!!! :D i'm so excited about this!! - orientation is septmeber 7th, so i'm also kinda stressed about it, because i'll only have a few days to find an apartment and move up and everything, but i'm loving the whole feeling of being able to go to school at a place i adore.

what else, what else?... hmmmmm... ah! i should be coming out with a Baha'i-based CD sometime by the end of the year, which i'm ecstatic about as well; i still have to tweak a couple things on two different tracks, and then send it through to get it approved at national, but cross my fingers i'll be selling them sometime by end of 08/beginning of 09!! YAY! :D

i'm a bit saddened by the fact that i think i may have lost a favorite pair of earrings... but i think i know where they are... possibly at my fiance's house in minneapolis, but they could also be somewhere else less accessible (like camp onamia, where minnesota Baha'i summer school was held)... i'm really hoping the earrings are at andy's house. really really. ah well. i'll find them someday, i'm sure.

also kind of disappointed that i haven't been able to find a couple sheets of lyrics since i got back from all my travels to minnesota and wisconsin and everywhere... they were really good songs too... hm. such is life. perhaps they're having a committee meeting with my earrings... hm hm hm. you never knowwwwww. ;)

well, i'm going to go and work on my website, because it's been quite finicky of late, and i need to make it work properly! ta ta!

-me

will and won't

i will try to help you
i will try to keep you happy
i will try to let you go
when you want to go

i won't let you feel alone
i won't let you be sad that much
i won't let you feel like there's nobody
who cares about you

i will try to make you laugh
i will try to wipe your tears
i will try to let things happen
that will help you be strong

i won't let you not be creative
i won't let you not express yourself
i won't let you pretend
you're someone else

i will try to be there for you
i won't let your heart be broken
i will stay as your best friend forever
i won't not love you


for katy

what is it?

it's
important, amazing, vital, incredible, taxing, exhausting, wonderful, confusing, terrifying, unconditional.

it's
fabulous, terrible, fantastic, loving, fighting, and worth fighting for.

it's
screaming, crying, laughing, living, and finding new ways to communicate.

it's
struggling, soaring, digging, working, and discovering cooperation.

it's
consulting, arguing, yelling, whispering, learning and asking questions.

it's
family.