hey! i'm smart! sometimes...

so i was talking to my sister katy online, and something was mentioned in our conversation about wanting to know everything (or something to that extent), and i suddenly got this idea, and i came up with the following quote:

"We want to be ready to capture the universe in our hands, but we know that compared to the universe, our hands could not hope to hold it all. Thus, we are each one of us given our own small portion of the universe to hold, and when we find the right people who each have their own universe in their hands, we may come together and unlock all the secrets. But until then, we are as butterflies, only able to land on one flower at a time, though we wish to alight upon the entire field."

so now i'm all like, "hey, i'm smart!" (well, sometimes) - but really, it feels good to randomly be able to make up quotes like that out of the blue and have them actually make sense and apply to daily life! yay! it's fun fun fun. :)

i also made up something about beautiful cows in a field at midnight on a thursday... but we won't get into that... yeah....

time for change

i used to post very infrequently, mainly due to the fact that i can't always think of anything to post, but also due to the fact that i would leave up one post for a few days in the hopes of someone finding it and actually reading it and commenting on it. well, no more! i have now officially decided that i am going to post whenever i want to, no matter if i've posted already in the same day - and i've also decided that i don't care if people read my blog! if they want to, that's absolutely great, and i appreciate someone else taking the time to basically see what i've been up to, but if nobody wants to, then i am simply going to write to the world, whether or not the world wants to hear me!

okay? okay. glad we got that established.

(blank)

i'm really sad. i'm really tired. i don't like life when it sucks beyond measure. i don't like life when it's boring. i don't like the way my life is most of the time. because most of the time it's boring and it sucks beyond measure.

i try to be good. i really do. i try to break old habits that aren't so great. honestly. i try not to feel lonely, even when i'm pretty damn sure nobody else is around who cares one whit. i'm sorry that i swear in some of my posts. i hope i don't offend anybody, or drive anyone away from being my friend or reading my blog. i just have reached the point where i'm not sure it's worth the effort to care about things anymore.

i'm not suicidal, for those of you that may be worried about that. nobody has to worry that anything like that will happen, or that i'll intentionally hurt myself. i just wish that i would stop getting hurt by other people, other circumstances. i don't know how much more i can take of this whole being single thing... i need someone i can just call at three in the morning because i can't sleep and i need someone to talk to. i need somebody i can go to at four in the morning and they'll hold me, and i won't feel like i'm being a baby or a burden. i can't do that with my family. it's not that we're not close or anything - i'm probably closer to my family than any other people on this planet. i just need something separate from that... something more than that.

it's not that i can't take being by myself - hell, i've been by myself for all my life. i've never been asked out, the one time i actually asked someone out, sure, we had lunch, but it was clear - based on the fact that they have a girlfriend - that it was just a between friends thing. i know i can put myself out there and not get hurt, but i'd like to feel like i don't need to put myself out there... like i've already put my heart out into the communal pot and someone right and good comes along and picks it up and looks at it from every single angle, maybe even (sorry if this sounds gross or anything) opens it up, does a little digging, but in the end decides what they've found fits them perfectly.

i want someone who sees me when i'm mad and says, "what a beautiful, caring person." - when i'm sad, "what a wonderful, joyful spirit." - when i'm tired, "look at her energy and personality shining through in everything she does." - even if it's not in those words, i want someone like that.

i want to be able to climb the roof of the tallest building in the world, raise my head and scream - "I MISS YOU!"

it's raining inside me... and outside me too. .... come and find me... please?

hmm...

this is one of those days when i know i want to post something, but i have no idea what i want to post about. it's about the same feeling as the one i get when i know i want to write a song, but i've no idea what to write about. hmm... aha! you people are going to help me write a song! (if you want to, that is - you don't have to.)

so, i've pretty much exhausted the typical song topics:
i don't quite know if i like/love you or not
i like/love you but you don't know it
i like/love you and you don't love me
we're in love and it's great
we were in love but you left me
i don't know who i am, somebody tell me
i don't know who i am, but i'll find out
i know exactly who i am, and you can't change me
do you know who you are? you keep changing
i'm lost (figuratively), someone help me find my way
i'm lost (figuratively), but i'll find my own way

pretty much written at least one song on each of those topics. now i've no idea what to write, because i don't want to keep writing the same things over and over again, so if you guys could come up with a suggestion or two for a song, i would really appreciate it! even just vague references to things that might work would be good... just something.

thanks! :)

i tend to post late at night

is it possible to grow to love someone? while simultaneously thinking they're icky? i wonder. part of me wonders, the other part of me knows. i like the part of me that knows. the part of me that wonders gets annoying after awhile, always guessing and wondering, and things like that.

and for another thing, life sucks.

thirdly, this is probably going to be a rather intense post.

and fourthly (huh, that's actually a word), i love ranting. well, i suppose i don't actually love it, as it's kind of tiring and more than often makes me ticked, but all in all, it's quite a nice stress reliever. it definitely helps to expel a lot of bottled up emotions.

and another thing! i HATE being told what to do. especially by people i don't like. it makes me very angry to have people that don't respect me or people who think they can get away with crap tell me what they think i should do (for them or otherwise), or how i should be. i also get reaaaaaaally annoyed when people who are younger than i am boss me around, or try and act like they're all important when they're NOT, and they get all smart-ass (sorry) on me and i just want to slap them silly because it's so annoying! and why does God make it so i have to interact with them?! GAH!

and for a sixth thing, I HATE IT! i haven't quite decided what it is yet, but whatever it is I HATE IT!

and seventh, i'm lonely. hug me?