why do i do that?

there are some days that i feel like i can't move forward, i just can't do it, no matter how hard i try. so my only options are to stay where i am or to go backwards. it would make more sense to stay where i am, because then when the day comes to move forward i don't have that much farther to go.

so why do i go back? when i'm bored i read through old emails and look at old blog posts, or read books i've read so many times before. i do things i've done already, things that could wait almost forever to be done again. so why do i do them?

right now, i don't know. all i do know is that it's not a regression kind of thing. going back is, in a sense, a way for me to see how far i've moved forward. maybe that's it. maybe it's not regression or regret, but instead it's progression and reassurance that things can move forward, furthering, bettering, fixing and changing things.

so maybe that's it. i'd like to think so. otherwise i just can't figure out why i'd do something like that... i'm not really much of a person for nostalgia or anything (not that i'm not, i just don't normally feel inclined to reminisce). maybe that's another reason - maybe i should reminisce a little bit... maybe i should learn to accept what's in my past as a "what's done is done" kind of thing. accept, but not attach myself to it. because what's the point in living in the past? i don't see any. so why do it?

ah well. suppose i'll never know. maybe though... if i look into the future... maybe then i'll find out. it's worth a try, right? what've i got to lose? nothing, really.

that's what i thought. :)

yucky

i'm sick. i don't like being sick. this is not my fault i'm sick either. my daddy was sick. is sick. and now i'm sick because he was sick. (is sick.) oh well. there are some pros to being sick, i suppose. let's find them!

pros to being sick
1. i can sleep as much as i want
2. i can stay in bed all day if i like
3. i have the right to be just a little grumpy ('cause i'm sick)

that's about it. now, the cons.

the cons of being sick
1. people run like the wind away from you because you're sick and they don't want to catch whatever you've got
2. you sound like someone's shoved a cotton-ball up your nose
3. you're constantly blowing your nose
4. your nose still feels clogged even after blowing it four times
5. (in some cases) you're hypersensitive - light, noise, anything. it gets to be too much, faster than normal.
6. your head aches.
7. your nose aches (from all the tissue-friction).
8. you get to the point where you sound like a foghorn whenever you blow your nose.
9. your equilibrium is totally thrown off.
10. you're all "blah" and in this bizarre half-stupor that you can't get out of until you're not sick anymore.

well, as you can see, there are many much more of the cons than the pros, so we'll just leave it at "top ten", shall we? now, i think i'm going to go eat something. uh-oh. i only have one tissue.

this does not bode well.

heartspoken

*warning: this poem may be offensive in some parts to those having aversions to things of semi-graphic nature. just thought i'd put that out there for the unsuspecting.*

heartspoken
not broken
a token of my affection
some people
just aren't
worth the time of day
it's a sad
realization
but one you've got to make
guess he's not
the one
i've been looking for
can't be
or he'd be
reliable
pick up the phone!
darn you
can't you see
it's me that's crying?
bored alone
despondent
well forget it!
i'm not waiting
anymore
i'm not going
to sit in the corner
like a good girl
and watch
as you run away
from me
who told you that's okay?
what makes you think it's all right
to leave and not say good bye?
you don't have that right
to treat me like that
no one does
say that again
i'll slap you
i'll do it
i mean it
i'm not kidding
once upon a time
i was young
and innocent
thanks so much
for taking all that away
robber
thief
you don't understand, do you?
i can't say these things
to your face
for your face
would be bloody
like your hands
after you ripped out my heart
well that's your problem
your fault
i'm not saving your sorry butt anymore
pick your own self up off the floor
i won't do your dirty work
you want to shirk it, fine by me
i'm not about to pick up
after you
that's crap
and i won't do it
so forget it
forget us
forget me

i'm not stupid, right?

sometimes i wonder if the things that i say are just inane. other times i think i have a pretty good grasp of the world around me. (warning: this post will get into some heavy rambling.) more often than not i like who i am, but half the time i always wonder if there's some other kind of person inside of me who i should be more like. like maybe there's this little demon in my brain bouncing around that's trying to get out and i won't let it. maybe there's a perfect being somewhere contained within this shell i call my physical body, but because i'm stuck in this physical body i can't let out the perfect being inside me because humans can't be perfect - whether we've realized that because of the messages from God or whether it just isn't in our biological make-up, we can't be perfect.

and i don't want to be perfect - what's the point of being perfect? i mean really - sure, you wouldn't make any mistakes, you probably wouldn't say or do the wrong thing at the exact wrong time... but how would we be? seriously think about this, how would we be? not just physically or physiologically or even emotionally/psychologically! i suppose a better question to ask would be what would we be?? if every single person in the world was perfect, don't you think life would be just a little bit boring? nobody would ever have any kind of quirks that make them unique - we'd just be "the land of the perfect people". and far be it from me to speak for anyone but myself, but methinks no one would ever want to live in "the land of the perfect people". boring, boring, boring.

and another thing - why are we never satisfied? i mean, even if we had everything we ever wanted, we got every question that we ever asked answered, would we be satisfied? no, of course not. and why is that? - well, we're human, that's why, and humans are typically never satisfied, because there's always something better, something brighter, something newer and shinier for them to want. it's just annoying, i tell you! *wink*

anyway, i think i should end this, and finally post it. after all, i've been working on this for... oh... a week now, i think. well, here goes! posting time! *click*

side effects: big head, ego, obnoxious behavior

for those of you who don't know, i write music and sing and play pretty much any instrument you thrust at me. and this is not meant to be bragging or anything, but i find that i have a fairly decent voice, and a pretty good grasp of the improvisational side of creating music. i also write well (so i think), and that definitely contributes largely to the lyrical side of things. - overall, i think i'm a pretty good musician. i'm not trying to boast here, there are definitely hundreds of musicians out there who are of a completely different caliber than i, but i'm saying that for my level, i'm pretty good. well, i think i am. and i've been told that i am. which brings me to the point of this post.

so often, when i play my music for people, or when i sing, or something, i get so many compliments... which is nice. being complimented helps me to think i'm a good person. :) the only drawback to these compliments is that oftentimes they are followed with things like, "you remind me of thus-and-such" or "your voice sounds just like so-and-so", and as flattering as it is to be compared with people like avril lavigne and the lead singer of evanescence (amy lee), (and others i can't recall at the moment), i kind of get tired with being "compared" in some small way to them. i will admit that music like that does influence certain styles i may portray, or possibly the way i sing a certain line, but how do i get compared with people? i'm kind of ranting right now, i know, but it's one in the morning so i hope you'll forgive me.

what gives someone the right to compare a person? i don't think that anyone has that right. and i know, they're being nice and complimenting my voice and my playing ability, but can't you just compliment someone and be done with it? when people ask what kind of music i play i say "my music", and when they ask what genre or style it is i say "it doesn't fit into anything", and they accept that and don't push it, they don't make me fit it into "yeah it's pop" or "folk" or anything like that. so why then do they stick me up with people who play music that yes, it's kind of like my music in that it's similar in style and stuff, but in the essence it's complete different? i think what bugs me the most is when the phrase "you sound just like so-and-so" is used - then i feel like i don't have my own voice, i'm just a mimicry of someone famous. and again, as nice as that is to be complimented by someone, i don't want to be complimented and compared to the point where i lose my identity in the process (funnily enough i have a song that talks about identity and such).

i guess what i'm trying to get at is that i appreciate being told i sound nice, or i am slightly reminiscient of someone, but why can't i just remind you of me?