opening old wounds (kind of)...

... the following is a post from several months ago that for some reason i was compelled to post up here (i posted it on my myspace blog previously, but no one really read that)... so here goes. :)

***

i feel a tad disgruntled at the moment, and i'm not completely sure why. i think it may be that, while reading through old blog posts of mine, i realized that i actually was able to come up with semi-valuable pieces of insight, but right now i kind of feel as if wisdom and intelligence are beyond my reach - almost as if i am stretching on one side of a canyon, to try and grasp the vine snaking out of the ridge's bank, but every time i try and grab hold it slips gently from the tips of my fingers and i must try again.

almost as if it is mocking me, the branch lengthens a few inches, then quickly recedes as i lunge to pull it to my chest and hold it so that it cannot escape - but i am too late again and again, everything i do is in vain. no amount of jumping and lunging can put me in reach of this branch i so desperately desire to cling to. the branch shakes at its very roots: laughing at me, taunting me saying 'come, try again, fail again, it is inevitable, there is no victory, there is no hope. come, try, fail.'  again and again i search relentlessly for a way to wrap my hands over this branch, this malicious vine that plagues my soul, this unforgiving weed that snakes about, vindictively unrelenting, laughing horribly at my every attempt to go forward.

finally, i accept defeat. i stand, bowed in frustration and utter discomfiture, awaiting yet another derisive attack from the vine i tried so hard to placate, the vine i so repeatedly tried to clasp to myself - my one salvation, i think in my misguided and despondent mind. if only i had been able to grab onto that branch; perhaps i would not feel such a sorrow as i feel now. perhaps i would be able to hold my head high and proud, and announce to the world that yes! i do matter! yes! i do have a voice and a place in this world! and no! i will not allow any soul to deprive me of my place!

but, i think, perhaps i do not need the branch for that. perhaps the branch is simply - an obstacle i must overcome.

with this realization dawning, my spirit lifts, my eyes raise back and focus on that implacable and callous branch. bitter memories of my delusory attempts to grasp what i realize now is only an illusion flood through my mind. gazing to my left i see a sturdy, faithful bridge laid over the rocky canyon. why had i not seen it before? there it is, in plain sight! but no, i had focused too entirely on the branch that juts out of the ridge in front of my face. had i thought clearly, surely i would have seen that this vine is too feeble to hold my weight! i look down, and see the remains of other such fools as i who managed to clamp their hands on the branch only to realize how unstable and slim it was. why did i not just take the bridge, why did i not stand and walk to it - over it?

because that would have been too easy. i realize now that that path was pressed out of my mind instantly - why take the easy route when there is another to be had, especially if the other route is adventurous, and tests my limits and my courage! because the easy route is easy. who in this world does not want to be tested, at least in some small way? who in this world does not want to feel that accomplishment after succeeding where others have failed? now i see that i have succeeded. in not taking hold of the branch, i succeed where the many laying in the belly of the rocky canyon did not.

i stand and turn to the bridge; this is my salvation. this bridge will take me where i need to go. had i grabbed that vine and somehow made it to the other side, i would only have ended up in a thick forest, surrounded by unfamiliar trees and thickets. i would not have known where to go, what to do. but with this bridge, i follow the path. when it is supposed to, it will branch out in the directions i need it to, but not before. and perhaps i will still adventure, perhaps i will still go down paths i had not gone down before - for who in this world does not like to explore the unknown?

but, who in this world wants to get lost? who in this world feels the need to traverse such a long way from the path that they lose both their way and their own selves? i do not choose such a life. no, that way is foolishness. and by not following others' foolishness, i again succeed where they do not.

and i hold my head high and say yes! i can overcome what is not easy to overcome. yes! i will triumph when all hope is lost. no! i will not allow anything to stand in my way. yes! i will live! yes! i will triumph! yes! i will hope! yes! yes! yes!

so perhaps now i am not so disgruntled after all...

disconnect

sometimes i wonder
am i supposed to be like this?
should i be viewed as an outcast?
or is that someone else's problem
that they have to deal with?

sometimes i'm curious
is life meant to be so hard?
is it meant to be boring at times?
or is this a place i fail to see
that the problem lies with me?

people feel insecure
people feel afraid
people are made every day
to feel like they're just slipping away
people can't believe their eyes
when they see someone else realize
that life is all about decisions
the decisions of whether you live or die
because the brave ones keep on living
while the other ones just hide

sometimes i wonder
are the choices i make right?
am i going down the correct path
or getting further from the light?

some things make me curious
can i actually understand
the things going on in my head?
or is the question of my insanity
coming up again?

lost, alone, dependent
afraid, creeped out, i've landed
on a desert isle left just to me
no one else in sight to see
can't grab hold of the anchor
slipping my way off the sand
can't find a place to keep from sinking
can't find a single helping hand

sometimes i wonder
am i really alive?
am i a good person
or bad inside?
am i destined for good
or destined for evil?

these are the questions
i ask for myself
these are the answers
i wish i knew

and sometimes i wonder
i'm curious to see
am i turning out like you?
or am i still me?

so i wrote a book in 20 minutes...

i'm not joking.

how this book came about was as follows: my mom, sisters and i all went to a weekend-long summer Baha'i school in galesburg, IL. while we were there i was the assistant teacher of the youth class, but i participated in some of the activities as well.

one of the homework assignments the youth had to do was to take 5 minutes and write about someone they knew who had at some point given up on religion, and how they dealt with that, etc. well, i took about 20 minutes, and wrote a very short book (it's three notebook pages, handwritten). what i'm really hoping to do is be able to publish it through the Baha'i publishing trust (my best friend's mom is an editor there), and hopefully have it be made into a small book, directed at youth and junior youth.

i've enlisted the help of my sister katy for graphic design and artwork for the book, so it's definitely going to turn out awesome in that area. the only thing i'm slightly worried about is whether it will sell or not. i hope it does, not so that i will earn millions and billions of dollars, but so that people will have a different perspective on what faith is.

ah well, i suppose if it's meant to happen, then it will happen. just one of those things that you wish for, then leave to the care of God. :) and if you do that, things will fall into place exactly how they're supposed to. (they may not fall as you expect them, but things will fall.)

so for now, i suppose all i can do is pray. :) wish me luck!

so this is it, huh?

well hello. this is my first post on my first real blog. it should be exciting, so why isn't it? perhaps it is because i have posted so many times on an old livejournal that was read only by my two sisters (and not that frequently, for why should they read something when they can go directly to speak with the source?), and then later on my blog on myspace, which was really only read by my two sisters, my cousin, and perhaps one other person (occasionally).

so this is my first real blog. and i suppose another reason it isn't very exciting is because i really have nothing to write about. usually i don't have things to write about when i first sit down to post, but i can't think of anything this time. maybe it's because i've been working on-and-off on this post for the past few days... maybe it's because at the moment i'm not meant to write anything incredibly profound or anything... maybe it's just not the right time.

the only problem is that i really want to write something! perhaps i will describe my surroundings... no that's boring. maybe i should just end this post. but i want to write something! i think that's one of my personal issues that i have to work out - half of me rationalizes that there's no point in simply blabbing on and on and on about things that aren't relevant or that make no sense, but then the other side of me bangs my proverbial forehead with my proverbial hand and says, 'it doesn't matter! this is your creative outlet, and you need to exercise your mind every once in awhile, otherwise it will decaaaayyy...'

and that shuts my rational side up. but then it just happens again and again. i mean, i'm sure it happens to a lot of people, but it's one of those things you feel like it only a problem you have, that sort of thing.

oh! i just thought of something that i've been meaning to blog about for awhile, so maybe i'll put it in a separate post so that these don't get too long and tedious. yes, i think i'll do that. so for now, i will sign off, but hopefully i will post something that's a bit more meaningful...

hopefully.