i am not having a good night.

this sucks.

and i am realizing that it's time to write again.

what do you do when you find out you've done something you thought you didn't? how do you react? how are you supposed to process something like that? i don't really know where to go with this, but i'm trying to figure something out so that i can at least... understand.

i don't know how to understand. it's 12:36 in the morning, and i can't sleep, i'm at a loss for emotions and words, i don't know if i'm hungry or not, and i'm just sad. i don't really want to talk about it right now, but i just wish i could change things in my past. i think everybody wishes that. and the hardest thing is that we can't go back, the hardest thing is that we can't fix what we broke beyond repair.

i wrote something earlier this week that i would like to share with you. here it is.

if God intended you to discover love in another person, He never would have given you the ability to love yourself.
if God intended you to have days where someone else feels good about you, He never would have given you the days where you feel good about yourself.
if God intended you to find who you are in another person, why would you not just be that person?
and if God had intended you to fit in with everyone, why would He give you a unique personality?
God only fully knows His own intent, but if we are to even try and understand why we are the way we are, or why we go through the things we go through, then we must use this sense of wonder and curiosity to fumble and guess.
these senses, which incidentally, God gave to us.

i will end this with a poem i will compose on the spot.

***

i'm holding together
the pieces of a memory
i thought was intact.

i'm grasping at the sandy straws
that are falling through my fingers
and laughing at my failed attempts.

today is not a day i feel good about myself
maybe tomorrow? ... next week?
i don't know.

i'm not asking for God to forgive me
i know He already has
i just can't forgive myself.

i just need to go to bed
i just need to let it go
but it just keeps coming back to haunt me.

i don't like falling asleep
crying, hiding
and feeling all this.

i don't like words
they say too little
but they mean too much.

i don't like emotions
it's too confusing
it just... hurts.

i don't want to talk about it
i don't want to think about it
i wish it wasn't even true.

somebody please take all this away
all of these memories
all of this pain.

the nights i cry myself to sleep
are not good nights, but
they happen more than i like to admit.

ashamed
unreasonable
and just... sad.

i don't feel like a bad person
i feel like a good person who did badly
and that's the hardest part to get over.

and part of me will never let this go
but part of me is asking,
... can i just have a hug?

this is one of those nights that i almost, almost wish i drank, so i could drown myself in something and forget it all...

but then, i suppose i would rather not deal with the mental damage and headache in the morning.

so, g'night.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i went to valleyfair! amusement park (www.valleyfair.com) with andy today, and WE HAD SUCH AN AMAZING TIME, I CANNOT EVEN

BEGIN

TO EXPLAIN!!!!!!!!

oKAY. so since it is impossible to describe just how PERFECT today was, i will simply say that...

I WENT ON A ROLLER COASTER FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE EVER!!!!! WHEE!!!!!

NOW! for a list of everything we did!

went on wild thing once.
went on excalibur three times.
went on renegade twice.
went on corkscrew once.
went on thunder canyon thingy (some large fake white-water rafting thing) once.
went on splash canyon (or something like that) probably a good 3 or 4 times.

YAY! seriously, it was just an awesome day. :D

i don't know what it is about certain people, but the minute they enter the room, it's like all emotion and intuition is squished out of life. everything has to be logical, rational, sarcastic and "funny"; all the time. but i'm not like that, and i don't want to feel like that around anybody.

but i do.

so what do i do? this morning, i awoke from a really spiritual, amazing dream (don't ask for details, i can't tell you). and now, i feel silly about the dream, and like i can't talk about it. and i want to talk about it, but now... now, i just don't know. hrm.

luckily, i have lyrical dance tonight so YAY! i can release all these annoying emotions. i really wish my classes were longer than 45 minutes. :/ but at least they're there!

okay, bye.